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Long Time no See

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 So Pete showed me one of my old posts and reminded me that this blog is here. I have been feeling like I need to blog again, but I have been trying to decide what kind of blog I want to do. Do I want to continue to blog about my family, or to blog about thoughts that I have about different aspects of life? Do I want to continue on this page or start another?  We'll just have to figure it out and go from here. Well, first thing, this picture is a year old, but shows my three boys happy and healthy. It is not the most recent one that I have, but it is one I haven't shared. From left to right we have Henry, Wyatt, and Jackson. Jackson graduated from Caldwell High School in May of 2021. He was proud of that accomplishment and now we are trying to figure out his next move. He is considering his options.  Wyatt is a senior at Elevate Academy. He is working towards graduation, but is loving woodworking and loving his firefighting classes. He has been accepted to UI, ISU, BSU, CWI, an
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Unseen

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I think that so many of us feel unseen or invisible at one point or another. In the movie, "The Princess Diaries," Mia at one point talks about being invisible and liking it. They make such a point of it that she gets sat on at one point by someone not paying attention. Have you ever felt like that? I know that I have felt invisible a lot lately and on many different fronts. 1. I feel invisible at work. I have other coworkers that seem to have huge flashing lights around them and I feel invisible and overlooked. I was passed over for a few promotions in the last year and it has been a difficult pill to swallow as I keep hoping and trying for an opportunity to feel that my efforts aren't wasted and that I can some how fulfill my potential. 2. I feel invisible at church. I want to serve. I want to have a calling. I feel sometimes like I am not seen for my talents and people forget that I am an option. I need to change my view on some callings and that is most definitely o
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Physician, heal thyself..

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The one thing I am struggling to wrap my head around is this feeling of depression that I have identified recently. As a counselor, you try to help people develop coping skills, you recommend counseling, you do what you can to help. Also as a counselor, you find yourself trying to cope with the ways you help others. I have experienced depression before. It's been about 18 years since I really battled it, but this time it's different. I was able to root out a cause 18 years ago. I was able to pinpoint a reason and actively fight. This time, I just feel my energy sapped, overwhelming dread, and a million other little things with no reason in sight. I am always on the verge of tears. It takes so much more energy to try to be what people need me to be, what I need me to be. I don't really feel like I can talk about it because there is nothing to talk about. We can say it is related to losing my dad, but that is likely only part of it because this was there before that happe
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An outhouse!

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I was reading some click bait on my phone on break today and it was talking about scammers. It reminded me of a once upon a time with my Uncle Rick and my dad. The whole story was kind of funny. The phone rings one time when we were staying at my Uncle Rick's house. My dad being the jokester he is answered and said, "Linville residence, butler speaking." They ask for my uncle and so my dad hands him the phone. They start asking things like, "Do you own your home?" My uncle replies, "yes." Then it was something like, "Are you on city sewer?" "No." "Do you have a septic tank?" "No." The exasperated salesman then asks, "well then, what do you have?" Without skipping a beat, my uncle replies, "An outhouse!" I think my uncle and dad were going to die laughing. My uncle got off the phone with an exuberant, "I finally got one!"
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And then from out of the blue....

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The last couple weeks have been hard. Like emotionally exhausted, grief-filled hard. I left work on 6/12/2019 at 3:30 as usual in order to make it home in time for a four o'clock class. This puts me in the door at 3:45 and gives me 15 minutes to catch up with Pete before heading up to my room for two and a half hours. This class was winding down and I only had two sessions left. No big deal. Pete's uncle had passed away earlier in the day and he was trying to figure out if he needed to head up to Lewiston for a memorial. We were just doing our usual small talk and I got a message from my sister. She said that Mom was on her way to the hospital because Dad had been taken to the emergency room. It said that he had been found passed out in the parking lot at work. He had been having some trouble with bronchitis and another infection so we thought it was probably related to that. I must have known something was wrong because I flippantly said to Pete, "My dad trumps your unc
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Scary things are hard.

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That might sound  like an ominous title. There is nothing out there that is too scary right now. Just little fears that creep in every so often. Not necessarily fears in the horror movie sense. Just little things. For me this usually looks like a fear of failure, of not being good enough, of being awkward or embarrassing, Other times it is the fear of letting someone see my flaws. Fear of moving forward. I have picked some difficult things to work on this year, and I see myself struggling to see them through at times. Fear that it won't be enough, that I won't. I find myself becoming a contradiction at things about myself that I don't understand and fearing actually addressing it with those that would care the most. I think I have found myself closer to having a complete breakdown this last month than I have in a long time. I think it's usually a matter of needing to find a better balance for me and not knowing what that is. I know this is all cryptic, but honestl
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The Thing About Long Term Goals

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We live in a society where we are used to immediate results and immediate rewards. Long term goals are difficult and frustrating as they take time. As with anything that takes work and time, it will be worth it, but that doesn't stop the discouragement that comes in waiting sometimes. With a long term goal, you can start strong, you can put forth a good effort, but doubt can creep in about the ability to follow through with it. I am writing this because I have felt the doubt seeping in at the edges. I need to stay strong and I need to stay excited in order to accomplish my goals. It would be so easy to give up, but the reward at the end is worth more than temporary doubts and fears.
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