Saturday, December 6, 2014

So much to be thankful for.

It is the time of year when people reflect on the things for which they are grateful. The first thing that crosses my mind, is that I am grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who knows us each on an individual level. Sometimes, that is a scary thought, but there is no other description.

In the last couple weeks I have been laid off and found new employment. I have been looking for a new place since August when I graduated with delays due to the bureaucracy of licensure. That aside, I marvel at the precision in which things happen. Due to the layoff, I have the opportunity of severance pay which only happens if I don't quit early. So in order to do that I requested during an interview to be able to start after the first of the year. The holidays make things complicated anyway so it wasn't an outlandish request.

Anyway, things worked out so I will be able to start shortly after my position at Ricoh ends. Even as my supervisor was breaking the news, I felt calm. I was grateful for a job that allowed me to take care of my family during a very busy time of my life when I needed something flexible. I couldn't have done it without the flexibility of the job that I have had. So instead of tears, I had gratitude.

These last two and a half years have been an amazing lesson in just how many little details our Heavenly Father pays attention to in our lives. We have had enough to pay our bills. We have had friends who have helped with the kids when we needed it. I have developed relationships with amazing people. At the same time I have learned a lot about me and how I feel about different things. I have grown in ways I never thought possible.

Right now, I just feel grateful and loved. It is those tender mercies that come that keep me going. It is often difficult to discern them during a very difficult situation, but when I look back.... I see my life interlaced with these tender mercies that God blesses us with almost daily.

I just wanted to testify that I know God lives, I know He loves us individually, I know that he grants us calm when it is needed.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

One adventure down, on to the next.

Wow, it's been two years. Two miserable, exhilarating, crazy years..... There are so many mixed emotions that follow me at the end of this journey.

I am excited for a new adventure. At the same time I am completely terrified. Where am I supposed to go, what job am I supposed to take. Will I be able to find a job that will allow me to do what I want to do? I just don't know right now. I have a second interview for a job, but have no idea if it is what I want to do.

Licensure is the immediate concern. I am waiting for my degree to post so I can get my transcripts in order and apply for another huge test. I passed one, but have one more. Nothing like paying for the privilege to take a test that will determine the course of my life.

I have a master's degree - essentially - all that is left is paperwork.. That is insane to me. I never thought it was something I wanted to do. And now the idea of learning more inspires and challenges me. I wouldn't mind going back again, but I think I will wait for awhile, my family deserves some of my time right now.

I have a tendency to thrive on stress. My husband thinks I am a stress junkie. He isn't too far off. I love how productive I can be when a little pressure is on me. I love the challenge. Suddenly the stress that has been holding me together is completely gone. For now it is nice. I was able to enjoy things in my life that I haven't been able to enjoy in the last couple years. I still need to pick up a book, but there is time for that.

So now it is deciding where to go, finding a house, and working to collect my letters behind my name... I just need the guidance I have had the last couple years to continue so that I land where my family and I need to be.

Monday, June 16, 2014

8 More Weeks

So walking was fun, I had the party and the celebration, now I have to go to work to finish. I have 8 weeks in which to accomplish this and I am completely exhausted. It has reached the point where I just want to be done and at the same time I am petrified to have to find a new job and have people trust me to do this for real. Not, that I am not really doing this for my internship, but it just feels weird. I feel like I am still learning.

I have days when I feel like a rock star, that I am helping people and making a difference. I have other days where I just want to hide under a desk and hope no one finds me. I am told this is very normal. Don't get me wrong, I love this, this is what I was born to do and I feel that more than anything. This is what gives me faith to do the final push. 8 more weeks.... it feels like torture.

I love my boys for putting up with this including some very extreme mood swings when I feel overwhelmed. I sent Pete to his mom's with the boys a couple weeks ago just to eliminate distractions while I pushed to finish one class.

I calculated the other day and if I can continue with my hours the way I have been, I will be able to finish my internship in time.

I miss my life. I miss my books, I can't wait to return to them like old friends, maybe read with the boys again. I miss weekends, I miss church, if anything I can't wait to renew that experience in my life. I would love to have a balance again. If there has been anything neglected in my life it is balance. Self-care has been missing as well as time with my family. I don't think they are even going to see much of me this week. Its okay... I can do this, I can do anything for just 8 more weeks.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Finding a moment to post

I'm back, not sure for how long, but here I am. I felt like I was neglecting my blog. Sometimes I get so busy I forget about it. I love it when Pete posts and I can see it all from his perspective.

Right now I am looking over some material for class tonight and it hits very close to home. I have been struggling with long buried feelings surrounding Pete's illness. Hopefully I can get through tonight without too much drama.

It is surreal to me that a journey that began two years ago will finish at the end of the summer. It leaves me frightened about the fact I have to move on with what I have been training for. I have so many questions and not many answers at the moment. My friend last night reminded me that I am in the Lord's hands. I have to hold onto that and it was a good reminder.

I love what I am doing, I never knew I could feel such satisfaction and terror all at the same time.

I can't wait to feel what it is to actually have a weekend again. They have been few and far between. My kids might not know what to do with having a mommy again.

I still have it - as evidenced by a scholarship I have been awarded - for the semester AFTER I graduate. This might sound overly confident, but I need it to get through what I am doing (the confidence).

Graduation is on May 7th - Pete protests because it is his birthday but I know he is all bluster on that one. Unfortunately after that I have one more semester to go and two really big tests.