Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I love music!

I love to listen to music. What I listen to depends on my mood. Sometimes when I am cleaning I need something loud, or with a good beat. Sometimes its Livin' La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin. It is just a fun song with high energy that gets me cleaning.

When I am down or stressed I usually listen to something by Michael McLean Usually Hold on, The Light Will Come or You're Not Alone. It helps me feel better and brings peace.

When I am driving it is a little bit of everything.

My Christmas music contains everything from The Forgotten Carols to Twisted Christmas. I did realize this year, I need more variety. More A capella (Love Straight No Chaser's version of 12 Days of Christmas).

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Can a person change?

I have been watching shows lately, many of them ask - Can a person change?

I think a person that wants to change, can. The Lord can work wonders. I have seen the Atonement of Christ work wonders, in my life and the lives of the people around me. The only problem with change, there is a past that was not in alignment with what you are now. There is something that needed to cause the change.

People, the flawed people, have a hard time letting go of what is in the past. It makes it more difficult for someone who really needs it to change. When the people around them don't let the past go, it is an ever present spectre in our lives. It comes back to knock you backwards. Change is not an easy thing to accomplish. It is a journey, I am still on this journey. Sometimes, I wish the past could just be forgotten. I want to scream - "I AM NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE!!!!!!!!"

Please, forget the things I did to offend, and I will try to forget your bad stuff. Please forgive me, while I try to forgive you. Please trust that I am trying my best to be my best self I will be patient and trust that you are doing the same.

The past is something that people don't need thrown in their faces, I hope I can be the person that leaves yours alone. I guess it is all part of my journey. I had to type this tonight, my mind was swimming.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thankful

It is entirely cliche to be posting this on Thanksgiving, but I don't care. I have so much to be Thankful for.

I was sitting in the car yesterday on the way to Devri's house for Thanksgiving and we drove past the Salt Lake Temple. I had such warm feelings in my heart, knowing that I can have eternity. It had never been possible until this month. I am amazed at the blessings I see. Life isn't perfect, we still need to be out on our own, which means I need to find a full time job, but it is so much better in important ways.

I am Thankful for my job. It gives me something to do, but I think in the long run it will help me both in my chosen career and in my home life. I am able to talk to people that might help me to be able to help Jackson.

Pete and I are so much better and we were never really bad. There are so many changes I see in him and myself that make a world of difference in our lives. I believe people can change, I have seen it and experienced it. It is so amazing the way the Lord works in our lives.

Lately I have seen prayers answered, that I had forgotten about, in unexpected ways. I know the Lord is aware of us and loves us.

Happy Thanksgiving, may your lives be richly blessed.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The best birthday ever.

I need to blog this now or I will forget. Though I am not sure how true that is.

November 4, 2011 we drove down to Saratoga Springs to spend the night with Devri. We drove into Salt Lake City after getting the kids squared away and did a session at the Temple there with Devri and Brian and Janene and Jason. It was awesome in the truest sense of the word. It was a beautiful session and we went to The Garden Restaurant in the Joseph Smith Memorial building for dessert afterwards. Afterwards, we drove home to Devri's in the snow.

The best was yet to come.

November 5, 2011 we went back to the Salt Lake Temple and this time took our boys. We were sealed for Time and all Eternity in a beautiful ceremony. I don't remember the words. I just remember being so happy. I never thought we would be there. I thought I was okay with it. I had made my peace with my decisions. Then Pete got sick and suddenly the Church was important again. I never stopped believing, I just think it took awhile for me to truly forgive myself.

Anyway, Pete got sick, and he started looking at life. Suddenly this stubborn person I married was worried about how he left relationships with people. Things suddenly touched him in ways they hadn't before. It was a long journey, but we made it to the Temple in the best birthday present ever. We had about 20 people there with us - All my sisters - Chelsea, Devri & Brian, Taryn & David, My mom and dad, Grandma & Grandpa Linville, My friend Janene and her husband, Jason, Friends from our ward - Jason and Kari Peterson, Peggy Denton (her husband Gary came and took pictures for me), & Clayton and Deycie Hamilton, My friend Holly from college, My mom's cousin YuRee Hall, Pete's friend Dee and his wife Tamara, and I think I got everyone.

Afterwards we went to The Garden for Lunch. I think they were a bit overwhelmed with the size of our group. Ethan's friend Tashina was watching Michael at Temple square We have kind of adopted her into our family unofficially. It was just a happy day. The cold just didn't affect me, even Wyatt giving us trouble during the pictures didn't dampen my mood. Unfortunately, I don't have pictures at this moment to upload.

I am so grateful for the love and support of everyone as we made this journey. I can't wait to see what else is in store.

I love my family and am so glad I have the opportunity to be with them forever.

To tie back into the title, November 5, 2011 was my 30th birthday. It was a perfect birthday gift and perfect party. We went to Devri's after the temple and she had made me a Caramel cake and bought me ice cream. It was fun that she would do that for me. Love you Dev and Bri!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Sweet!

My visiting teaching companion is the best. She worked so hard and made my boys halloween costumes. I am never this on the ball with costumes. Wyatt wanted to be Thor and Jackson wanted to be Mario. She is so talented!


Monday, September 26, 2011

Making plans...

So we aren't moving yet, still bed news, but there is good news.

We are going to be sealed in the Salt Lake Temple on November 5, 2011. It will be at 12:20 in the afternoon. Pete will be going through the Rexburg Temple the week before. I am so excited, but now its just about waiting and getting ready.

I can't wait. It is on my 30th birthday - I can't think of a better birthday party or birthday present.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Doubt....

It is amazing to me how sometimes I can feel the spirit so strong and then there are times, when I feel so far away that there comes in doubt. I realize doubt is a tool of the adversary, but sometimes it is difficult to get away from.

I once read something about fear being the opposite of faith. Faith and fear cannot exist together. Yet, right now I am so scared and to get through that I am really trying to have faith. Sometimes, faith can only get you so far. It doesn't help when anytime I try to take a step forward I am knocked backwards. I try and try and try to get where I need to get to have my family on stable footing. Pete and I try... we talk about what we need to do.... We work towards that and it doesn't help.

Right now I think I need to know that someone is listening. That it really is going to be okay. That there is something better waiting. I am working hard to get through school, I have a clear vision of what I want. Life in the meantime is beating me up. I feel bruised and broken and scared.

Sorry if I am over sharing, this is my outlet and the closest thing I have to a constant journal, which is scary but at least I try.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

UGH.....

So seriously - getting discouraged - Thought for sure I had that job, I just didn't interview well. I HATE THIS! I need to figure this out - especially in this economy.

On a positive note, Wyatt's Kindergarten teacher says he is ready to read before a lot of his class. she wants to move him to the afternoon, but I don't know. I think I am going to leave him wherever Mayci is. It will help when I actually find a job.

so for now breathing in - breathing out.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Hope springs anew.

I have hope again. I never really lost it but when you wait and wait for something and it doesn't come it can be frustrating especially when you are dependent on it for other things.

I finally have an interview at EICAP. It has been a long wait for a job possibility that changed many of our plans. That change has caused frustration on all sides so I think we are all looking for a little hope of better things to come.

Its not so much my faith being tested right now as my patience. Its a tough thing living with family. Its a blessing and a challenge. It tests your boundaries and makes for new relationship dynamics that were never there before.

Roles are not as defined. C'est la vie! C'est l'amour!

I am in four psychology classes so at the end of four introductory chapters I can officially say I am tired of the conditioned response of Pavlov's dogs. If only I had the patience to condition my children so well.

School starts on Thursday. It is so weird that it is starting this late. I need them to be in school so it is easier for me to work on my school. My goal for this school year is get up at six, shower, get them up and stay up and work on what I need to work on whether it is going to work or reading textbooks. Maybe it will work.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I've had enough

When will my enough be sufficient to meet the Lord's enough? I can't take much more. We need steady employment and space of our own and so does my mom! I am not sure how much we all can handle.

Friday, September 2, 2011

I must be doing alright

When life falls apart, I blog. Not necessarily because I have to share it with the world but because I need to get it out. So honestly I must be doing okay. I am antsy waiting to hear from my job possibility. I am not as nervous as I could be because I know why it's delayed. I am just anxious to get something going. I want to be moved out of mom's again. I need to have my own stuff and my own house and mom needs hers back. I was never going to move back in with my parents.

I am back in classes and have 13 credits. I am loving my developmental psych class. The others will be interesting.

It got chilly the last couples days. I have even been able to turn off the fans. Heck I have been able to cuddle with Pete to get warm at night. I was freezing last night until he rolled over and held me. This summer it has just been to hot, I hug the edge to keep away from the heat.

I can't believe school hasn't started yet. It doesn't start until the 8th. I keep waiting. My boys thrive in school and it seems to make things easier on them and me. Wyatt will be in morning Kindergarten and Jackson will be in third grade, can you believe it?

Friday, August 19, 2011

Jackson's Baptism




Jackson was baptized on July 9 and Pete was able to do it! I never thought that would be a possibility. I am amazed at the changes that have happened in the last few years with our family. Brother Bigelow described the baptism itself as Wack-a-Mole and it is a pretty good description. Jackson started resisting as soon as he hit the water. He didn't want to be under, which is difficult when we baptize by immersion in the LDS church. He struggled and Pete didn't want to do it again so he pushed down all of Jackson that popped up before he brought him out of the water. Good thing too because Jackson said "Don't do that again!" when he was standing again.

We had our own service with a couple kids from his primary class.

Ethan confirmed him. It was sweet and I know that it came from Heavenly Father when there were things mentioned that I was concerned about. Now Ethan is in the MTC preparing to teach the people of Arcadia California the Gospel.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Plan B

Plan B puts me on shaky ground, not that A wasn't shaky.

Plan B - get a job here, finish the degree or minor or whatever - long and short get two semesters of a good gpa and work to get into grad school. MOVE OUT OF MOM AND DAD's. They need their house and I need out. No offense haha.... Mom told me I need an exit strategy. Plan B is still forming. I am going to scream now. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay that is better. This feels alot like last year when the plan to move to Utah fell apart.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The thing about family pictures

Since my siblings and I have moved out and one by one gotten married, I don't think we have a family picture with everyone. Usually Pete is gone or Thomas. This time we managed to get Pete and Thomas, but David wasn't there and neither was Jessica. My kids were also missing. You know, maybe someday....











The second picture is just the grandkids... We managed

to have all of them in the same place when my sisters came for a visit.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Obladi Obladah

Probably didn't spell it right, but the next line is "life goes on." I suppose I have been getting behind here and have some pictures to upload. Jackson and Pete are still at church waiting to get into the bishop's office because Jackson is getting baptized on July 9. I can't believe the difference of where we were 8 years ago to where we are now.

Lately though, especially when the boys were in Lewiston visiting Pete's mom, with the extra time I have had to think, I have just had the blues. I don't understand, I can't explain. I just feel like I am breaking inside. It makes no sense to me. Even when things were bad for Pete, I wasn't feeling sorry for myself.

I don't generally throw myself a pity party, but I cannot seem to shake it. I don't think the things on my mind help but they certainly aren't the cause. I know a couple things I should do that might help, but right now I am just trying to get it out. I can't wait to get back into school again in classes that stimulate my mind. I think that will help.

I need to work on my spiritual side some more. Let's face it, no one is perfect we all need work. Sometimes its just hard to dig deep and do what I want and need to do.

I find this so ironic. Here I want to be a clinical psychologist and I am feeling depressed. I truly believe in the power of therapy and talking it out. So here I am, getting it out. I have other resources to dig deeper. Today was just hard and I don't why.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Time for the I feel guilty I haven't posted much blog

That is probably a mouthful. I will eventually get the Disneyland pictures up, but you can likely find them on my facebook page.

School is officially over for the boys, so most days it is just them and me hanging out here taking care of things. I know why parents get kids involved in as many activities as possible. They don't want to be driven nuts.

Wyatt has officially learned how to ride a bike (thanks David!). My brother-in-law David and Wyatt were both bored so David helped him learn how to ride. We had one glorious crash, but Wyatt got bandaged up and got back on the bike. He was a little skittish on his take offs and stops but now he is fearless and is enjoying this new freedom a little too much. Jackson still isn't sure of himself but we are working on it.

Jackson is going to be 8 on July 6 and that means he is old enough to be baptized. He will be getting baptized on July 9 at 6pm. I think he has Pete convinced to baptize him which is so incredible to me. One of the things I thought would never be able to happen. I stand all amazed at the little things that have changed in Pete since this adventure began. If it is at all possible to be grateful for an illness that took so much out of us, I am grateful for what it has given us. It is true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and in the same sentence brings a whole new set of challenges. I guess it would be pretty boring if we weren't challenged.

We will probably be moving at the end of the summer, but the door is very much open to coming back to this area. I feel like there is a need here for the profession I have chosen. I hope to be able to help in this area. I have two semesters to gain my second degree and then I want to go to grad school. The issue here is where I need to go. I hope I can have a program at Idaho, but I am not sure if this is possible. I will have to look at my options when I am where the advisors are.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Disneyland Part 1

The first week of April, Pete's mom took our family to Disneyland. It was a fun and exhausting week. There was a lot of walking.

We flew into Orange County, John Wayne airport on Monday, April 4. We landed in the morning and since I had to get online and take a test we decided to take the day to relax and get settled before we hit the park on Tuesday. We did walk to the Garden Walk in Anaheim. We ate lunch at Bubba Gump's Shrimp company and can I say - good shrimp and a cute photo opp for my boys.









We also hit Downtown Disney - browsing and such. The boys had fun at Ride Makerz. We came home with a remote control fire truck and remote control mater.



The next day it was Disneyland! First was breakfast at Paradise Pier Hotel. We got to have breakfast with Mickey, Daisy, Pluto, and Stitch!




I need to go for now so I will post more later!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

HATE HATE HATE

I took lunch to Pete at the grocery store today. When I came out there were two people, one a store employee - smoking on the bench right outside the door. Seriously??? What happened to 25 ft? I don't like the smell and find many smokers to be very inconsiderate people because they like to smoke in the space of clean air lovin people. You have the right to destroy your own lungs? FINE stay out of my air - at least obey the law 25 feet. So it was raining - get in YOUR car, find a nook or cranny away from the entrance. That is the rudest thing.

Earlier I was taking my grandpa's dog to the bathroom on the grass behind the wal mart. There were so many cigarette butts I didn't think they would mind. Seriously people you ought to know better. Most inconsiderate thing. When I was going to school the first time, one of my friend's smoked. On a break in between classes I would go outside and talk to her. She at least stood downwind and used the supplied ashtrays. So not all smokers are that way but I see them all the time that are.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Can't sleep

I have been tossing and turning tonight. I don't know why, I just can't get my mind to shut off. I hate nights like that.

On my mind tonight...

I hate the discussion currently in my Sociology class. I would love to look at it with all the naivete that my classmates look at the subject. They are young, most of them haven't worried too much about where things are coming from. I know they are on their own for the most part and so they are likely taking care of a lot if not all of their expenses. The subject is poverty in America. Some of them view the recession as the fault of laziness in those who don't have jobs. I can't wait until they graduate and can't find anything in their field. I hate when people generalize and view anyone that uses a need based program as abusing the system and too lazy to take care of their needs and that of their family. How dare they judge people so callously? Capitalism is not a reason to treat people as inferior. There are a lot of reasons people are in trouble and not all of them are from frivolous living and laziness.

okay so there is that soap box.

So anyway - this has me more than usual looking at my current situation. I still feel like I am waiting for life to start. I am working towards a second degree and I have two beautiful boys. I see progress and some things getting better, but seriously I just want to be able to live and take care of my family with my husband and have it work. I don't want to depend on others. I am excited about school and still feel like this is what I need to do, but I am impatient with the time it takes and the time I see looming ahead with so much uncertainty. I am scared, which is dumb because fear is the opposite of faith. I am trying to have faith.

It is so difficult to be patient and take things one day and one step at a time. I feel trapped, waiting. This is not how this is supposed to be. I have a degree what happened to the good job after college for me? I love the opportunity I have had to be close to my family but at the same time I need to feel productive. Things overall have gotten better, but it only makes other problems more clear in the spectrum of things. I realize this life isn't meant to be easy, but does it have to be this difficult. Don't tell me about perspective because I have some of that too, I just want to rant. I need to get some of this out so I can move on with things.

Its just really hard to know where to start. I know this isn't easy on my parents having us here, but I am so grateful that they have made room for us. There is so many conflicting emotions right now I don't know what to do with them all.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Last Couple Years in a Quote

"A slap in the face would be humiliating; a slap to the back of the head is a wake up call." ~LeRoy Jethro Gibbs

Thursday, January 27, 2011

School again.

I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing, but retraining for this routine is nuts. Online classes are an entirely different animal and I am also rectifying a mistake I made the first go round. I am interning two days a week. I think I need to relearn access. Oh well there you go for a random rambling.

back to the books.