Sunday, December 26, 2010

And on Earth Peace, Goodwill toward men...

I love this time of year, I always have. Last year was tough, I was worried about money and jobs and taking care of my boys for Christmas, it was needless, things worked out as they usually do, I just needed a bit more faith. Though I think that I had enough to pray and a relief society president who called in the middle of that prayer. To me that was a clue I needed to listen... I didn't end up needing it as much, but it was nice to know that I was loved, which I think was the point.

This year, not so much stress. I decided that I would leave it in God's hands. I knew that between my family and Pete's it would be okay and the boys would have a good Christmas. I also realized the boys don't need a lot. I gave away two huge totes of toys.. and those were overflowing. They still have too many toys. In spite of all the trials, we have been blessed. We have family willing and able to help us with our basic needs until we can do it for ourselves. To me this has been the greatest blessing and I will be eternally grateful and in the meantime we have been edified spiritually. You can't ask for more in this season of joy. So as we embark on our next adventures I would like to wish everyone a beautiful holieday season and the happiest and most fruitful of new years.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Hmmm.... Thinking again.

...I'm afraid I've been thinking... A dangerous pastime, I know....

Anyway I have been thinking about gratitude. We often remember to show gratitude to he who created us for the things we have and his hand in our lives, probably not enough, but that would be the first place I reflect my gratitude.

I often take for granted the people in my life that do so much for me. I am sure at times they feel unappreciated, especially those who are closest to me.

I was watching Good Morning America the other day and saw that someone had written a book on this same topic that has been on my mind. I think I might have to get it and read it.

The book is called 365 Thank Yous by John Kralik. He was talking on GMA about hitting a low in his life and how doing a Thank you every day changed his outlook and his life.

Gratitude I think can be a pretty powerful thing. I think it not only changes the outlook others have on you and whether you appreciate them, I think that you change and find more ways to be thankful.

I am thankful for Rebekah who works hard collecting and assembling pictures into a family calendar. That is a lot of people to keep track of on one calendar.

I am thankful to my sisters for the conversations and the friendship.

I am thankful for my parents and the help they give me in the hard times, in turn I am thankful for my mother-in-law who does the same. They each help the best they can and it has gotten us through some rough patches.

I am thankful for friends who have given me advice and inspiration when I have needed it most.

I am thankful for my husband who puts up with my crap and is there when I need him.

I am hoping to show more gratitude to those around me and I hope they an feel appreciated.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Temple Square

Pete and I were able to go see the lights on Temple Square on Monday. The boys had school that day so they missed out and I missed them. Anyway these are a few of the pictures we took. We had some great luck at the Family History Library too!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Thanks and Giving....

Its amazing how different one year feels from another, even being in a similar financial position. I am trying to see the blessing in between all the crap. I am blessed with a wonderful family I can turn to if I need to and that includes my in laws too. I really don't get the whole awful mother in law thing. I am thankful for perspective that helps me see this is only a moment in a bigger plan. That really helps sometimes because sometimes life is just kind of crappy.

I am thankful for my little boys and trying to be better at not yelling at them. Sometimes I succeed better than others, but that's something to improve on, right.

I watched The Forgotten Carols on DVD the other day. I have this problem where I can't stop bawling. I am such a baby, but those songs just penetrate my soul. I am getting teary just thinking about it, lol. A big baby, I tell you what.

I am grateful for opportunities to serve and help my brothers and sisters sometimes. Poor Mac and Jess had their car break down on the way up for Thanksgiving... I was grateful to find some way to help them. This isn't about patting myself on the back. I just like to be in a position to help when the need arises and I very much appreciate the help I get from Uncle Rick every time I find myself stuck in Montana. I think we are here to help each other and sometimes that is easy to forget. I am also grateful for a husband that usually has the same idea to help that idea. It saves on negotiation.

I am grateful for the opportunity to go back to school and finally to have some idea what I want to be when I grow up. It started as a prompting but it made more sense than anything I had come up with and bonus: I can use it as an opportunity to help others from the mistakes that I have made. I still can't figure out why I never thought of it before, I guess I wasn't ready.

I am thankful for the times I am able to look back over situations and see a delicately orchestrated series of events. I am glad things are guided by one with the plan and perspective greater than mine. So back to The Forgotten Carols I will leave you some lyrics to the song at the end that really got to me:

What I Need

All I ever wanted,
All I ever dreamed of,
Everything I hoped and all the things I prayed for
Couldn't hold a candle to what I've been given,
I've been given what I need.

A mansion on the hill or love like in the movies
Perfect little lives, where no one has a problem
Instead of all those things I thought I really wanted
I've been given what I need.

Even when I didn't understand,
When I thought you had no heart,
Thank you for rejecting my demand
And always giving me the better part.
All I ever wanted,
All I ever dreamed of,
Everything I hoped and all the things I prayed for
Couldn't hold a candle to what I've been given
I've been given what I need.
I am also grateful for the inspiration of Michael McClean all the songs that he writes that just seem to exactly describe what I am feeling.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Going back to school....

Deciding to go back to school has been an interesting journey for me. Pete has been hounding me since I graduated to go on and do more school. At that point, I was burned out and there was no going back. Gradually I have warmed up to the idea, but nothing ever seemed to be what I wanted to do... I tinkered with the idea of nursing school when Pete was really sick, but anyone who knows me knows I don't do smells - so ultimately bad idea....

A month or so ago I was talking to Taryn on the phone. She was having a bad night and I was trying to be there for her. I was inspired (it had to be inspiration) with a couple of solutions for her, but then another thought came to me. I was directed to my patriarchal blessing. There is a couple lines there that basically tell me I will be able to see the problems of others and give them wise counsel. For the first time, I thought of this as a possible career path. It came to me as clear as could be but hesitated. I wasn't sure I wanted to go back to school or how I could.

Pete, told me I ought to do it. So I finally sat down and applied for fafsa and my application to the University of Idaho. I chose to go back so I didn't have to transfer credits and I could improve my GPA.

Ultimately, I would love to be a therapist, either for myself or for LDS Family Services. I have talked to the counselors there before and I love the integration of the therapy with the same religious background. I hope this could be a way to turn mistakes I have made into a positive help for someone else. I have wanted to figure a way to help someone, maybe this is my way and the path I have been looking for. This is the first time I have felt like this could be what I want to do.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Never thought I would say this.

I have filled out my fafsa and am applying to go back to school. I am actually thinking psychology. I want to be a therapist, ultimately I would love to help at LDS family services or something like that. I feel like I can help people and I really want to help. So this is going to be a long journey and I hope I am better equipped this time around. I will start by taking classes at the University of Idaho in Idaho Falls, if I can. I just felt like this was something I wanted to do and I felt like the inspiration for the idea came from a higher place.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

More soon I promise.

I have some pictures from the boys at halloween and from the first snow.... I will try to get a new post soon!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Big Changes

So Saturday, October 16, 2010 was a big day for our family......

I will mess with the pictures later.... they aren't working right.

Devri Hosted Taryn's bridal shower.....

I was in charge of the food but somehow managed to not take a picture of the veggie tray or the gluten free fruit pizza (rice crispy treat crust)

After the bridal shower I jumped to the next thing...

Pete had decided to be baptized. Now our family is united in a common belief and church. I am so happy and feel so blessed in spite of the struggles we are facing. I didn't realize how quickly this day would come that day last year when I decided to go back to church because I needed something bigger than myself to help me get through his illness.

I am amazed at the changes I have seen in Pete. He has softened in so many ways. Things that I had chalked up to just the way he is have become not so harsh. He is more mindful of the boys and of me. He helps me more and there is just something more to our relationship which was already good. I love our relationship and our family.

Brian performed the baptism -Thanks Brian! It seemed fitting that Pete picked Brian since he and Dev have been so supportive and Devri had the guts to challenge Pete to race her through the Book of Mormon. I hoped we would get here, but I am not sure I ever believed it would happen until more recently.

I am looking forward to the next year of growth for our family. I can't wait until Pete and I are able to go through the temple together. It is one of the desires of my heart. I want forever.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Their story is heart-breaking

I have been surfing around blogs, following my friends links and found this blog.

This family lives in the area and some of their friends I know, though I don't know them personally. Their story is making me appreciate just a bit more the time I get with my boys. Time is such a precious gift. Three months ago they lost their 18 month old little girl after she fell into a canal.

To me this story is gut wrenching as she has had to face the worst nightmare of any mom. My heart goes out to her and her husband. I can't even imagine her pain, but I hope I can learn to appreciate my two little boys more and not take for granted the little moments.

Their faith to me is incredible, I share their beliefs but they put them into action. They have the knowledge that they will see their little girl again, but know that doesn't make it easy. Lets just say I have a few things to work on in my own life.

I love my husband and my little boys and am so glad I have been blessed with the time I have and I will try not to take them for granted.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

All Moved again

I don't think I will ever get used to life hitting me hard. I just get tired of starting over. Its like I just start to catch my balance and there goes the floor again.

I am grateful for a family that I can turn to, in fact I have two. My mom and my mother in law are both wonderful through all these ups and downs.

We moved back in with my mom again. I lost my job in June and have yet to find something else. I haven't had much time to work on finding a job. I need a network of people that can help me. I will make it if I can pull myself back together. I know that I am better than this. (just having a personal pep talk)

I am looking for the best in this. I have to have faith that something great will come along. I need something great to come along. Its hard to have that faith in this economy. I hate watching the political commercials with the governor telling us how much better he has made this state. It doesn't feel better. Personally I feel a self-proclaimed billionaire is so out of touch with the rest of us. I hate the rainbow they all paint about their records. I wish they would figure out how to actually do something good for me and the people I know.

I think faith right now is where I am struggling. Sometimes I just feel like I am falling into an abyss. If it weren't for my boys and the fact I have been so busy this last month I would probably just stay in bed, cover my head, and wish for the world to go away.

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Seven Year Itch

Just Kidding. Pete and I have been married for seven years now. I am loving my life aside from the bumps along the way. I am really getting antsy about finding a job, but I don't know what else I can do. I am getting ready for school to start, Jackson will be in 2nd grade and Wyatt will be in preschool. I love those boys, even when they get a little busy.

I wish we could permanently put this illness behind us, but lately I am worried that the meds aren't helping and it is coming back. I have kept email addresses for doctors from Duke, I will turn to them if we need more help. I am just worried, I can never tell if it is a relapse or if he just has a bug that will go away in a day or two.

I need to get back to the temple, I need to pray more, I need to read the scriptures more, There is so much I need to do, I really need to keep that from adding to my stress. I just pray that my family will be taken care of and that Pete will get through this. I can't go back through the hospitals again. I don't think I am strong enough.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Winding down...

So the current job is winding down into a move and another job. I don't want to move, but I feel like that is what we need to do and I don't see any jobs popping up around here. I can't argue. So if anyone knows anyone in the Salt Lake area that needs a renter of at least two bedrooms we are that family. Any help would be appreciated.

I am not stressing yet which totally blows my own mind. I mean two weeks away and no place to live I should be stressing, but I am not. I feel like it will work out, I just don't know how.

Boys are playing tee ball and that in and of itself is an adventure. Watching kids that little try to play can be downright funny!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Apparently I am way behind in posting.

Jessica pointed out to me I need to update my blog. This is true but it took me a few more days after she told me to actually do it.

So our life has gotten increasingly more hectic in the last week. A job in Utah came through and that means we need to move again. Technically this will be the third move in less than a year. I just hope we can find someplace to move to. I am not sure whether to be nervous or excited or what. I feel like this is the right thing for us, but I really didn't want to move this soon.

My mother in law sent me a new camera. The last one started having problems that I have no idea how they started. Generally the party line is to blame Jackson lol jk, but this seems to be a common problem. So for our anniversary which is in a couple months, she sent one. Personally I think she was just missing pictures of the boys. I will try to get some taken and sent very soon.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I guess I only get a breather...

Job hunting again. At least I have a little time and even a lead. That helps a lot, but it will mean moving again, to UTAH.... Not sure what to think about that.

Good news, I get my car back tomorrow. I miss my baby and Pete checked on her and said she looks good. That will be nice. The only problem would be getting someone to take me to her. Pete has to work at noon and mom and dad are at the state track meet with grandma and grandpa... nuts.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

So tired of the sick!

We have been sick around our place for the last week or so.. Colds all around. Sore throat, fever, everything. I went to bed last night with a sore ear... it gradually got worse until it ruptured at about 3:30 am. The pressure was relieved and I went to sleep until it was time to get up.

I woke up for work to snow, it was really more ice than snow. The roads started out not to bad. I got past the Twin Bridges and they were getting worse, but nothing I hadn't seen before. I hit the first corner and started grumbling about the guy coming toward me that was taking his half out of the middle. I moved over to avoid hitting him, but when I moved back I hit the ice and lost control. I managed to slide into the ditch into the deepest hole. The front end is completely messed up, I was in the four wheel drive for crying out loud and ignored the common sense that told me to put it into four wheel drive. I slowed down for the corner, but I still lost it. I wasn't hurt, but I hit a fence (it was fixed when I drove by on the way home).

I managed to get Pete out of bed and Ethan and Dad and Grandpa and Grandma. Ethan watched the boys, Pete brought me the other car, and grandpa towed the blazer out of the ditch. That saved on towing fees anyway. I hope we can get it fixed soon. I already miss it!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Minor Freak Out here...

There is nothing like being ahead of the times. This is what I had to deal with last year and suddenly its like its been validated. Suddenly what Pete had is out there and apparently spreading. Its found in people with in tact immune systems. I am not sure this is a trend we wanted to start, but it helps knowing that there is research going on and that we aren't alone in this.

There are suddenly hundreds of articles today some posted just minutes ago... Google Cryptococcus Gattii (this is the strain that the infectious disease doctors suspect he contracted)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Life is doing a lot better than it was last year. We have hope again. I am not sure about planning for the future because I always worry about what is coming around the next corner, but for now there is happiness. We are settled into our house. We just got a new sofa and loveseat that made it feel homey again. The chairs we had made it feel a little disjointed. I need to save for a camera so I can take pictures again. This is really inconvenient when I want pictures of the boys.

I am settling in well at work. My second month there I was given an award. It is the You Make A Difference award Ikon does. I am not sure if it was just my area or region or the whole company. I was given a 25 dollar gift certificate of my choice. I felt really appreciated considering the mess the site was in when I started. It was kind of fun cleaning up the mess, I liked being able to solve the problems.

I love that I am able to work four tens so I can have three day weekends every weekend. Considering the drive it also helps on gas. I have about nine and a half weeks of actual scanning. If they don't want me for indexing I am not sure what will come next but I am pretty sure I will still have a job. I hope.

I was really hoping for another wonderful post by Pete. I always like to hear his side of this mess.

The drive to work this morning was messy with the snow. It was gone by the time I went home. It is the weirdest thing. I took the wrong car, but as an Idaho girl I really wasn't that worried.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Emily always seems to do these and I have been home doing laundry all day realizing how much I really love my wife. Before my illness, I would go to the coast, put windows in new buildings, come home for two days, and leave again. Never realizing everything she did all day. I miss working everyday, but am very happy that I am alive.

One year ago next week, I was lying in a hospital bed scared out of my mind. The Doctors convinced that I had either bacterial or viral meningitis, anyone who knows me; this is how my Aunt Patsy died. I didn’t want to die the same way. It took me getting better, or so they thought, to come to grips with my own mortality.

I have been, at times in my life, a complete ass, there is no other way to say it, and it is true, I am not proud of how my first two my marriages ended. Waking up in the hospital in Utah, scared not knowing, why I was tied to the bed, where I was, or what had happened. I have had surgery twice in my life, the first time after cutting an artery while boning out a pork leg, I woke up singing the song I fell asleep too. This time waking up after having brain surgery, was weird, I panicked, and it took the medical staff to go get Emily to calm me down. Once I saw her I was at ease, it reminded me of when my Grandpa Pete woke up after having a massive heartache, He looked at my Grandma and said, “Girlie what am I doing here?” This is when I realized how much I would be lost without my redheaded Emmy.

Ok, since it has been a while since this thing has been updated.

Emily is working for IKON doing indexing of historical documents (now wait a minute, didn’t I go to college for history, lol), her job sounds fun in my opinion.

I am working part-time at Smith’s in Idaho Falls, while one of the meat cutters is on medical leave. Just bought a 03 VW Jetta, think I bought it for the heated seats, sunroof and the car has the coolest key I have ever had.

Since the Jetta get 30 MPG, I think Em will be driving it more once the snow is completely gone and I will start driving the Trailblazer that we got after I got out of the hospital last April.

I have come to realize that there is someone or something in this universe wants me alive. I have decided that maybe it is time to take the plunge and start taking everything that happens as having a higher purpose.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Surreal, but nice...

The last month or so has been pretty surreal, first I got a job and then before the week was out my mom has talked to a lady in the ward and we had a place to live. I really hope this is all a sign of better things to come. Pete has an interview with Harold at Smith's in the morning. It is just a temporary job but at least it is a step toward normalcy. If we could get another car we would be able to juggle it better.

It is nice to be where my family is able to help with the juggle that will need to happen when Pete goes back to work. I still worry about him but I think everything is going to be okay.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Just a few things....

I have a few things to get off my chest so I can let them go.

Firstly... Lainey. I am so disappointed. She just had a baby which I am sure is not a secret. That isn't even what disappoints me, I can't be hypocritical except for the fact that she just turned 18. She has this baby, admits to Pete one boy is the father, I know he is the father, there is no way she wasn't even seeing the other guy for the timing to be right, but she announces to the world that the second guy is the father. I just wish she could break the cycle started by her mother. Her mother didn't tell Pete for 13 years that Lainey was his daughter. She didn't tell Lainey for 15 years that Pete was her father and then at 16 she moved in with us, with all the problems her mother taught her, there was never a chance. I am mostly mad at her mother for being such a poor example to her daughter. What kind of mother does that? I know I have no right to judge, but who keeps a daughter from knowing her father, especially when that father might be able to help the situation. Sometimes the emotional stability is more important than the pettiness of keeping a child away from his or her father. I don't care what the reason... if you're scared, get the courts involved, but this is bogus. nuff said, now I can let it go.

Other things... Forgiveness, I have actually learned a lot of this in the past few years. The hardest thing I have ever had to do is forgive myself. Other people, I have learned to forgive, even when I wasn't the one that was directly hurt. I have to try and teach my family about forgiveness, when I am hurting because of the actions of others. I have learned to let things go and give people a chance to change. I have so many people I have felt wronged me in the past. Gradually I have been able to let the deepest hurts go. I feel free and the thing that saddens me the most is the inability of others to forgive the people in their life that may have intentionally hurt them, sadly it is those that refuse to forgive that will suffer the most. Who am I not to forgive, when Christ forgave me for everything I have done to hurt others of his children. This is just what has been on my mind lately and as this is my outlet, I needed to let it go and move on with some new dreams. I was reading Anita Stansfield's books - A Far, Far Better Place, which brought out this topic of forgiveness. There were so many issues dredged up in the past of these characters that needed forgiving. They weren't free until they were able to let go. I want to be that free. Free down into my soul. I feel some of it and I know I have a ways to go.

I only ask that if I have slighted you intentionally or not, I ask that you forgive me. I am trying to forgive and let go, but forgetting sometimes leave you open to history repeating itself. So I won't forget but I won't dredge it up either. Its not worth it to me.

Time to update.

According to Pete, I needed to post something new on my blog. We have been busy. I started my new job on the 8th and we have been working on getting into our new place. It is just a little nuts around here. I am glad we live close to my parents. With just one car, Pete sometimes gets stranded since I work about 45 minutes away. Luckily until we can find something else he has been able to borrow a car from mom and dad to take care of things he needs to do and also have someone to keep an eye on Wyatt.

We have most everything unpacked but things still don't all have a place. So there's still some feelings of displacement.

I will try to update again when I have more to say.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

We're Movin' Out!

We have been moving out my parent's house for the last week or so. On top of this... we are both fighting colds. It has been interesting. We have been trying to gather the things we need. Things we had a few months ago, but darn it if we didn't have to get rid of a bunch to get everything in storage. I am tired and sick and ready to be done, but some progress has been made.

The house we found doesn't have a dishwasher, but we found a portable one that was $600 three days ago for $200 yesterday. It was such a great find and made it a feasible purchase a lot sooner.

We have beds together and most of the kitchen put away. The bathroom is mostly ready, but there are still a lot of boxes... UGH it never ends.

On the whole I feel blessed in the things that have gotten us to this point so don't think that is where i am going. Just a little stress trying to get in before I start my job on the 8th.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Things learned when your world falls apart.

Now that most of our crisis is over I have time to reflect. I am grateful for the blessings and tender mercies I saw through most of Pete's illness. They helped me keep perspective and get through.

First of all - I found I was strong enough to go through that. The only thing harder would have been having one of the boys sick, but even then I would be grateful for Pete being there to lean on.

I also remembered I do have a testimony of Jesus Christ and his love for us. Our prayers are answered. Sometimes this happens in ways I didn't think of, but somehow everything worked out. Its funny sometimes how your solutions are not always Heavenly Father's. I am very thankful for a Relief Society president that listens and understands me but also listens to promptings of the holy ghost.

I realized children are resiliant. My boys put up with a lot of shuffling and time away from mommy. Friends and family were so supportive through all of it.

I learned that true friends aren't necessarily the kind you hang out with all the time. I had friends that I haven't talked to for years inspire me and give me the comfort that I needed.

I have been amazed by the softening I have seen in Pete, There is still conflict, I can see that, but I can see the strides he has taken through this whole thing. I know that the conflict will get worse, that is the way of it, but he will come through a much better man, and he is already pretty good.

I know things happen for a reason and I am no believer in coincidence.

I also felt for the first time that I want to get myself ready to go to the Temple. This is the first time in my life I have felt this desire. I am so grateful for the Atonement, I am trying to work my way back to where I need to be.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Going to try this...

If anyone is interested I am starting a blog about books. I love them and thought we could share recommendations and reviews, if you want to be an author on the blog, let me know your email address and I will add you.

Monday, January 4, 2010

The Challenge.

My sister Devri is about the only person who could convince Pete to do this. I made up my mind a long time ago not to push and to just let him do what he was going to do. He has been going to church with me since we moved in with my parents barring a few weeks when he really wasn't feeling well. Anyway, Devri challenged him to race her reading the Book of Mormon. I was suprised when after some thought he agreed. We have been looking for a Replica of the 1833 edition. It was the first edition released. He is hoping that will make it more like a book for him. I am happy to help him look for one since I wouldn't mind a copy myself.

I told him not to do this for me and to make sure he was serious about it if he were to do it. We haven't started yet since we haven't found the copy he wants, but we will start soon. We are in Salt Lake for a check up and plan to search the Deseret Book Stores in the area.

Maybe I should take this opportunity to read again on my own, I know I will read some with him. Anyone have any good recomendations for books that might help?

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Humanitarian Bowl

2009 ended with a bang for us and thousands of Vandal fans. Our team, under the leadership of Robb Akey, made to and won the Humanitarian Bowl. Pete and I went with a couple of friends. In spite of the horrid blue turf we had fun! The weather was beautiful and we enjoyed a great game. The Vandals nearly gave us a coronary when they were behind with 30 seconds left in the game. We were leaving and then the Vandals pulled out the best drive in the whole game and capped it off with a two point conversion to win it! It was incredible being there with all our fellow Vandals. We stayed for the trophy ceremony and Pete nearly got run over by the security team bringing coach Akey for the trophy ceremony. He says it was cool especially since Akey asked if he was okay. I managed not to freeze too bad. I am glad that we went as I am sure we would have regretted staying home.

Grateful for the end of 2009

As you all know, 2009 was a very long year for us. Along with the Trials came blessing of which I am thankful..

We have been blessed with wonderful family, both his and mine, to help us through this tough year. We have friends that have been blessings with their emotional support and just lending an ear. I wouldn't have made it through the hospital stays without friends and family to take the boys so I could be there for Pete. I just want to thank you all for your love and support and am looking forward to a better year in 2010.