Friday, February 25, 2011

Can't sleep

I have been tossing and turning tonight. I don't know why, I just can't get my mind to shut off. I hate nights like that.

On my mind tonight...

I hate the discussion currently in my Sociology class. I would love to look at it with all the naivete that my classmates look at the subject. They are young, most of them haven't worried too much about where things are coming from. I know they are on their own for the most part and so they are likely taking care of a lot if not all of their expenses. The subject is poverty in America. Some of them view the recession as the fault of laziness in those who don't have jobs. I can't wait until they graduate and can't find anything in their field. I hate when people generalize and view anyone that uses a need based program as abusing the system and too lazy to take care of their needs and that of their family. How dare they judge people so callously? Capitalism is not a reason to treat people as inferior. There are a lot of reasons people are in trouble and not all of them are from frivolous living and laziness.

okay so there is that soap box.

So anyway - this has me more than usual looking at my current situation. I still feel like I am waiting for life to start. I am working towards a second degree and I have two beautiful boys. I see progress and some things getting better, but seriously I just want to be able to live and take care of my family with my husband and have it work. I don't want to depend on others. I am excited about school and still feel like this is what I need to do, but I am impatient with the time it takes and the time I see looming ahead with so much uncertainty. I am scared, which is dumb because fear is the opposite of faith. I am trying to have faith.

It is so difficult to be patient and take things one day and one step at a time. I feel trapped, waiting. This is not how this is supposed to be. I have a degree what happened to the good job after college for me? I love the opportunity I have had to be close to my family but at the same time I need to feel productive. Things overall have gotten better, but it only makes other problems more clear in the spectrum of things. I realize this life isn't meant to be easy, but does it have to be this difficult. Don't tell me about perspective because I have some of that too, I just want to rant. I need to get some of this out so I can move on with things.

Its just really hard to know where to start. I know this isn't easy on my parents having us here, but I am so grateful that they have made room for us. There is so many conflicting emotions right now I don't know what to do with them all.

2 comments:

Rebekah said...

Sometimes, all you CAN do is rant. And wait.

AndersonFamily said...

i hope you are doing better! i miss you!