Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Doubt....

It is amazing to me how sometimes I can feel the spirit so strong and then there are times, when I feel so far away that there comes in doubt. I realize doubt is a tool of the adversary, but sometimes it is difficult to get away from.

I once read something about fear being the opposite of faith. Faith and fear cannot exist together. Yet, right now I am so scared and to get through that I am really trying to have faith. Sometimes, faith can only get you so far. It doesn't help when anytime I try to take a step forward I am knocked backwards. I try and try and try to get where I need to get to have my family on stable footing. Pete and I try... we talk about what we need to do.... We work towards that and it doesn't help.

Right now I think I need to know that someone is listening. That it really is going to be okay. That there is something better waiting. I am working hard to get through school, I have a clear vision of what I want. Life in the meantime is beating me up. I feel bruised and broken and scared.

Sorry if I am over sharing, this is my outlet and the closest thing I have to a constant journal, which is scary but at least I try.

4 comments:

Halli said...

Sorry to hear that life is beating you up... Hope things get better for you.

Brian said...

Faith is actively choosing to trust the Lord when everything is falling apart. It is giving it all to the Lord and asking for his help to move forward. Faith is what gets us through the beating. I don't know quite how to describe it. It's feeling like despite all your efforts, everything you worked for is gone, and there isn't a good reason, and you feel so broken you can't take it anymore, and then telling all that to the Lord and asking Him to help you keep moving while He helps you make sense of it all. But it is an active, sometimes painful choice to exercise it. It's trusting that the Lord still has your best interest at heart even when things are crashing down. It's asking for His strength to help you keep going. Having faith never meant that things would always be peachy...just ask Job.

Sorry, you took me back to another time when I really learned what it meant to have faith. I know you know all this. Hang in there.

Brian said...

And that (and this) was actually Devri, not Brian. Apparently he was signed in, not me.

Rebekah said...

We've all been there. We'll all be there again. Rocky (Yes, I'm quoting a movie - I've learned from 2 of the best) says something like it's not about how many times you get knocked down, it's about how many times you get back up...