Monday, March 30, 2009

Sitting alone, trying to be strong for all those that need me...

I hate nights sitting alone. I haven't felt this alone in at least six years. I feel the love and support of everyone through this challenge, but sometimes I still feel like I am facing it alone. These last few months have been one thing after another, and then when something looked up for a second where I could catch my breath and hope to make plans, something else came raining down on me. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and that after the trials come the blessings, at this moment all I can say is, this better be good.

I feel torn the whole time, I need to be with Pete, he is my life, and I need to be with my boys, they are my life as well. They are also confused and don't know what is going on around them. They know that daddy is sick and in the hospital and they know they want to go with Mommy when she leaves. Lainey is on spring break and being the teenager she wants to have fun and play with her friends. I understand that as well which is partly why it is difficult to tell her no when she is helping me so much right now, but she keeps pusing me for more, knowing exactly what she is doing. I don't think she quite grasps the concept of family sometimes. I hate the dejected look that follows a maybe or a no. She just doesn't understand that there are reasons behind it and that sometimes she can accept a no without pouting, but I guess that is just teenagers.

Pete's mom is driving me nuts, she tells me I have to do this, and I have to do that, and she is googling all the bad stuff to make me and her insane. She is worried and I understand, but does she see how I need to be with him and I probably grasp the situation as well if not better than she does. I have to be positive or I break down and I can't break down because I have to be strong for everyone. It's like I told Lainey I am supreme commander of this universe. I don't think she completely gets that either.

I tried several times to leave tonight, but he needed me. His head hurt him so bad. How can I leave when he is like that? He was babbling incoherently and he was frustrated that I didn't understand. I tried, but he is on so many meds.

So the to do list *partially according to his mother, some duh included.

1. Get a job, and I think I am supposed to do this while he is in the hospital, but if I do this we don't qualify for the help to get this paid for which means massive bills because still no insurance and it wouldn't likely be covered anyway

2. Find a doctor for him and myself. This one is from his mother. I am trying to keep it all in the hospital so i am only in debt there.

3. Keep up with my online class so it can help me accomplish #1.

Other misc. to do.

Make sure my boys and Lainey know they are loved and cared for even if I am not around a lot.

Get my house in order, do you know how hard it is to keep something clean when you are worried about someone else and sorta feel crummy yourself. Add two boys making a mess and you have nearly impossible. another factor, not my strong suit to begin with.

Try to stay strong for Pete, the boys, Lainey, and My mother in law.

When do I get to fall apart? Never. It is my job to be the strong one.


Spence and Amber said...

I hope things get better, Emily. You are really strong! We always have tests, but I know the Lord will help us throught them. Your family will be in our prayers!

Damien and Ashley Smith said...

Man, I wish you lived closer, so you could have some help! I feel for you and am thinking of you!

Sarah Rogers said...

I didn't know you were hurting so much...You have a lot of weight on your shoulders right now and I can't imagine how you are doing it all. There was a particular time in my life when I struggling so much and it seemed that the pain was too much to bear, I didn't want to worry my family so to avoid questions about my tears I would cry in the shower...what a relief, I was able to get my frusterations out and wash them down the drain for the day, well at least for the time I was in the shower. I felt better every time I cried because I acknowledged I was having a rough time and I was letting the feelings come that were a part of that despiration. It was a cleansing time for my heart and soul not to mention getting in a nice long shower. :) I love you and will keep you, your hubbie, and your kids in my thoughts and prayers.
Love ya,