Flynn Family

 So Pete showed me one of my old posts and reminded me that this blog is here. I have been feeling like I need to blog again, but I have been trying to decide what kind of blog I want to do. Do I want to continue to blog about my family, or to blog about thoughts that I have about different aspects of life? Do I want to continue on this page or start another?  We'll just have to figure it out and go from here. Well, first thing, this picture is a year old, but shows my three boys happy and healthy. It is not the most recent one that I have, but it is one I haven't shared. From left to right we have Henry, Wyatt, and Jackson. Jackson graduated from Caldwell High School in May of 2021. He was proud of that accomplishment and now we are trying to figure out his next move. He is considering his options.  Wyatt is a senior at Elevate Academy. He is working towards graduation, but is loving woodworking and loving his firefighting classes. He has been accepted to UI, ISU, BSU, C...

I think that so many of us feel unseen or invisible at one point or another. In the movie, "The Princess Diaries," Mia at one point talks about being invisible and liking it. They make such a point of it that she gets sat on at one point by someone not paying attention. Have you ever felt like that? I know that I have felt invisible a lot lately and on many different fronts. 1. I feel invisible at work. I have other coworkers that seem to have huge flashing lights around them and I feel invisible and overlooked. I was passed over for a few promotions in the last year and it has been a difficult pill to swallow as I keep hoping and trying for an opportunity to feel that my efforts aren't wasted and that I can some how fulfill my potential. 2. I feel invisible at church. I want to serve. I want to have a calling. I feel sometimes like I am not seen for my talents and people forget that I am an option. I need to change my view on some callings and that is most definitely o...

The one thing I am struggling to wrap my head around is this feeling of depression that I have identified recently. As a counselor, you try to help people develop coping skills, you recommend counseling, you do what you can to help. Also as a counselor, you find yourself trying to cope with the ways you help others. I have experienced depression before. It's been about 18 years since I really battled it, but this time it's different. I was able to root out a cause 18 years ago. I was able to pinpoint a reason and actively fight. This time, I just feel my energy sapped, overwhelming dread, and a million other little things with no reason in sight. I am always on the verge of tears. It takes so much more energy to try to be what people need me to be, what I need me to be. I don't really feel like I can talk about it because there is nothing to talk about. We can say it is related to losing my dad, but that is likely only part of it because this was there before that happe...

I was reading some click bait on my phone on break today and it was talking about scammers. It reminded me of a once upon a time with my Uncle Rick and my dad. The whole story was kind of funny. The phone rings one time when we were staying at my Uncle Rick's house. My dad being the jokester he is answered and said, "Linville residence, butler speaking." They ask for my uncle and so my dad hands him the phone. They start asking things like, "Do you own your home?" My uncle replies, "yes." Then it was something like, "Are you on city sewer?" "No." "Do you have a septic tank?" "No." The exasperated salesman then asks, "well then, what do you have?" Without skipping a beat, my uncle replies, "An outhouse!" I think my uncle and dad were going to die laughing. My uncle got off the phone with an exuberant, "I finally got one!"

The last couple weeks have been hard. Like emotionally exhausted, grief-filled hard. I left work on 6/12/2019 at 3:30 as usual in order to make it home in time for a four o'clock class. This puts me in the door at 3:45 and gives me 15 minutes to catch up with Pete before heading up to my room for two and a half hours. This class was winding down and I only had two sessions left. No big deal. Pete's uncle had passed away earlier in the day and he was trying to figure out if he needed to head up to Lewiston for a memorial. We were just doing our usual small talk and I got a message from my sister. She said that Mom was on her way to the hospital because Dad had been taken to the emergency room. It said that he had been found passed out in the parking lot at work. He had been having some trouble with bronchitis and another infection so we thought it was probably related to that. I must have known something was wrong because I flippantly said to Pete, "My dad trumps your unc...

That might sound  like an ominous title. There is nothing out there that is too scary right now. Just little fears that creep in every so often. Not necessarily fears in the horror movie sense. Just little things. For me this usually looks like a fear of failure, of not being good enough, of being awkward or embarrassing, Other times it is the fear of letting someone see my flaws. Fear of moving forward. I have picked some difficult things to work on this year, and I see myself struggling to see them through at times. Fear that it won't be enough, that I won't. I find myself becoming a contradiction at things about myself that I don't understand and fearing actually addressing it with those that would care the most. I think I have found myself closer to having a complete breakdown this last month than I have in a long time. I think it's usually a matter of needing to find a better balance for me and not knowing what that is. I know this is all cryptic, but honestl...

We live in a society where we are used to immediate results and immediate rewards. Long term goals are difficult and frustrating as they take time. As with anything that takes work and time, it will be worth it, but that doesn't stop the discouragement that comes in waiting sometimes. With a long term goal, you can start strong, you can put forth a good effort, but doubt can creep in about the ability to follow through with it. I am writing this because I have felt the doubt seeping in at the edges. I need to stay strong and I need to stay excited in order to accomplish my goals. It would be so easy to give up, but the reward at the end is worth more than temporary doubts and fears.

Pete and I were watching Young Sheldon  the other day and the mother was having a crisis of faith. A neighbor's daughter was killed in a car accident, and this mother was having a hard time with it. She didn't know what to say to the family - she didn't want to tell them their daughter was in a better place because wasn't the best place for her to be was in her parent's arms? Anyone that knows anything about Sheldon will tell you, he doesn't believe in God. He has lots of questions and no one can answer them satisfactorily. He has a scientific mind and wants to learn all he can. The poignant part for me was after mom had done a few things to try to fill the hole she was feeling, she was sitting on the porch swing and struggling with her faith, Sheldon came out and wanted to talk to her. He told her about gravity - If gravity was just a bit stronger, the earth would collapse on itself, but on the other hand, if gravity was just a bit lighter, the earth would exp...

I have been reflecting about myself lately. I am sure we all do it from time to time. I find it easier to get to know me. I find that I am someone worth getting to know. We all are. I think I have realized more than ever that I am an empath. I feel everything. I have worked over the years to shut some of that down so I am not constantly in tears and have built walls, but ultimately, this is still who I am. It makes for some very interesting internal arguments when I can see both sides of an issue and feel the place where people are coming from. It also makes it very difficult to land on a conclusion. It also makes it to where there isn't much that is black and white. Once I can actually come to a conclusion, it makes it harder to change my mind and my heart on the matter. So there are a few areas where I stand firm, but I can still see where others are coming from. Speaking of this tendency, it makes the current political and world climate really difficult to absorb. There is s...

Okay, so we aren't new, but there is so much more that is. I needed a place to put some goals down in print. 1) Finances - We are tired of the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. We are buckling down and doing two things for this year Starting to save - yes, I have a 401k and retirement through work, but actively putting money into an account we can't touch very easily so we can do things like go on a vacation or something. Or for those little emergencies.  We don't have a ton of debt, but it would be nice to get all that under control so that is goal number 2. 2) Health - I say health because I am not feeling like Diet is the best word. To accomplish this I am going to take the following baby steps Cut out soda - for real this time. This will include doing a Plexus subscription. I already know it helps me crave less sugar. But I need to get a grip on this now Exercise - yes I am writing this down for follow through and accountability reasons. Get a second hand Wii ...

It is the time of year when people reflect on the things for which they are grateful. The first thing that crosses my mind, is that I am grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who knows us each on an individual level. Sometimes, that is a scary thought, but there is no other description. In the last couple weeks I have been laid off and found new employment. I have been looking for a new place since August when I graduated with delays due to the bureaucracy of licensure. That aside, I marvel at the precision in which things happen. Due to the layoff, I have the opportunity of severance pay which only happens if I don't quit early. So in order to do that I requested during an interview to be able to start after the first of the year. The holidays make things complicated anyway so it wasn't an outlandish request. Anyway, things worked out so I will be able to start shortly after my position at Ricoh ends. Even as my supervisor was breaking the news, I felt calm. I was gratefu...

Wow, it's been two years. Two miserable, exhilarating, crazy years..... There are so many mixed emotions that follow me at the end of this journey. I am excited for a new adventure. At the same time I am completely terrified. Where am I supposed to go, what job am I supposed to take. Will I be able to find a job that will allow me to do what I want to do? I just don't know right now. I have a second interview for a job, but have no idea if it is what I want to do. Licensure is the immediate concern. I am waiting for my degree to post so I can get my transcripts in order and apply for another huge test. I passed one, but have one more. Nothing like paying for the privilege to take a test that will determine the course of my life. I have a master's degree - essentially - all that is left is paperwork.. That is insane to me. I never thought it was something I wanted to do. And now the idea of learning more inspires and challenges me. I wouldn't mind going back again,...

So walking was fun, I had the party and the celebration, now I have to go to work to finish. I have 8 weeks in which to accomplish this and I am completely exhausted. It has reached the point where I just want to be done and at the same time I am petrified to have to find a new job and have people trust me to do this for real. Not, that I am not really doing this for my internship, but it just feels weird. I feel like I am still learning. I have days when I feel like a rock star, that I am helping people and making a difference. I have other days where I just want to hide under a desk and hope no one finds me. I am told this is very normal. Don't get me wrong, I love this, this is what I was born to do and I feel that more than anything. This is what gives me faith to do the final push. 8 more weeks.... it feels like torture. I love my boys for putting up with this including some very extreme mood swings when I feel overwhelmed. I sent Pete to his mom's with the boys a co...

I'm back, not sure for how long, but here I am. I felt like I was neglecting my blog. Sometimes I get so busy I forget about it. I love it when Pete posts and I can see it all from his perspective. Right now I am looking over some material for class tonight and it hits very close to home. I have been struggling with long buried feelings surrounding Pete's illness. Hopefully I can get through tonight without too much drama. It is surreal to me that a journey that began two years ago will finish at the end of the summer. It leaves me frightened about the fact I have to move on with what I have been training for. I have so many questions and not many answers at the moment. My friend last night reminded me that I am in the Lord's hands. I have to hold onto that and it was a good reminder. I love what I am doing, I never knew I could feel such satisfaction and terror all at the same time. I can't wait to feel what it is to actually have a weekend again. They have bee...

2013 a year in review   Once again I am having to become the blogger in my family.   So here it goes;   In January, I received an interesting email, that back in the beginning of last December, I entered a contest where the WAC had posted pictures around the University of Idaho campus. I answered all five correctly and was one of the first 25 to do so. So I won a gift from the WAC and have been entered to go to Vegas for the WAC championship.   I didn’t win the trip, but that was ok because I was going to be way too busy soon enough. I learned that my sons do not understand how great snow days from school are. I saw it as getting to watch the Price is Right and other things, no school work, not having to ride the bus, and could go play in the snow later.   Jackson is mad because they had a field trip and it was canceled. Wyatt wanted whatever was on the menu in the lunchroom and was looking forward to learning things that day.   They told...

  Once again I have to take it upon myself to blog, since Emily is so busy with work, internship, and school.   She is in my opinion become Wonder Woman.   First off, I am thankful that I am alive; I sometimes need to remind myself of how close I came to not being here anymore.   I am thankful that I can stay home and take care of Henry; he brings me such joy seeing him discover new things every day.   I am thankful that we have enough money that I can stay home.   Only working during hunting season has been a blessing this year, I make enough to pay child support and it gives my family the Christmas presents without causing a strain in our budget.   I am thankful to be married to Wonder Woman; she has been my protector the last 4 years, I used to call her my replacement brain, for when I forgot something.   But I realize now how much she had to do for me when I forgot everything.   I would wake up every day before the brain surgery (k...

Since Emily is the blogger, but doesn’t seem to have the time to do this.   It has fallen onto me to become creative.   So bear with me and my rants and whatever’s. Yesterday was my baby daughter Katelyn’s 13 th birthday.   I haven’t seen her since before Jackson was born and sometimes wonder what she must think of me.   Does she wonder why I do not really want anything to do with her Mother, so alas I don’t get to see her?   Katelyn’s Mother tries to control every aspect of her life, but one day it will come back and bite her square on the butt. When I was sick and was in the hospital getting ready for my brain surgery, I finally decided to tell Tracey in case stuff happened. She must have had to call every hospital in Salt Lake looking for me, but she did call me and we were civil for the first time in a few years.   But afterwards she kept pressing me to give up my parental rights so that her new husband could adopt “Kate” as she likes to be ...

So maybe at this moment I am in the eye of the storm. The biggest challenge I am facing is exhaustion. This month has been the craziest by far. I am working 40 hours a week (4 ten hour shifts), plus one day a week for practicum, then there is the two classes that run at ten hours per day a piece for 3 and 4 weeks. There is just a lot on the plate.  So I am going to count.... 1. Supportive husband - boy have I needed him. It helps knowing he is there for me and that he is picking up the slack at home. It isn't an ideal situation right now, but honestly it is what works best for us. 2. Flexible work - my boss is great. She is letting me be flexible in my schedule so that I can fit everything in, it makes for some long hours, but my family is being taken care of and that is the most important. 3. Great classmates - I have some great classmates that I can depend on and that can depend on me. It makes getting through this program a lot easier. 4. A great practicum site that could t...

It's amazing the way life changes, even when you know the change is coming. On February 14, 2013 we were blessed with our third little boy, Henry Robert Flynn. He is loved and adored by the whole family, especially his brothers. Jackson is so funny - he will ask to hold him, but only hold him for a second and then run off. He always has to kiss him before he leaves for school or before he goes to bed. The first thing Jackson and Wyatt do when they get home is check on Henry and see where he is. We are starting to get back into a groove with my work and school. I hate leaving Henry and the other boys, but it helps knowing that Daddy is on the job. They both love to hold their brother, you can just see it on their faces.  Friday I add another thing to my schedule -Practicum - I have been trying to get this thing started for a month and a half. I appreciate the infinite patience of the site where I will be starting my counseling. A week from Friday I will be adding another cla...

So I love to read blogs but finally decided that maybe someone out there wanted to hear what I had to say since it has been awhile. I have been avoiding the blog because I have been busy with just a touch of grumpy. The doctors changed the date of the c-section to valentine's day which is not soon enough for me. They won't go before 39 weeks which leaves me with the spontaneous labor option for an earlier delivery. I don't think this one is going to cooperate anymore than his brothers have. I am going to the doctor for two appointments a week making sure everything is good with the baby. I want my brain back, I want my body back, and I want my time back - these two a week appointments are long and are brutal. I had some cramping yesterday ALL day but it eventually stopped.... Okay see why I avoided the blog - I am whiny and miserable.